The Avarice In Me
by NawN-ee
Summary: 3x4 1x2 After WuFei's death Quatre leaves their daughter Ishika with Heero & Duo to search for himself and the missing Trowa.  After reading a letter left behind from Quatre, Ishika prompts Heero & Duo to search for the missing two.  Duo & Quatre centric.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Notes:  
****I get sort of lost as to where I was going midway through the chapter but please read it. There's a death mentioned in passing but er…yes. It is Duo and Quatre-centric…though they aren't a couple. But enjoy yo.**

**1x2, 3x4, past 5x4 and 5x3**

**Disclaimer:****  
I don't own Gundam Wing  
I don't own the song 'Bad Moon Rising'  
I don't own the warning but please heed that too!!!**

**Warnings****  
ahem the following program may contain scenes of violence, coarse language and nudity intended for adult audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.**

Chapter 1

I Didn't Want a Hero

Dear Ishika,

Happy 15th Birthday. No amount of my apologies or well wishes can make up for the wrong I have done you. No amount of knowledge can make up for my selfishness, for my selfishness knows no bounds. I am sorry Ishika. I am sorry for leaving you after promising to care for you. But most of all, I am sorry that I am not strong enough to …that I am selfish enough not to return to you. What I ask of you now, is great. It is too great for what I have done to you and so you should feel free to reject my request. I ask that you know me. I ask that you know me as no one has known me.

At the end of the war I was sick. Not sick in the normal sense. My body was still healthy and I was still alive. I was twisted. No. That's not true either. I was weak.

I was just so tired. Just…so very tired, and it didn't end after the war. There was still so much to do and so much to make up for and I just wanted to disappear. After Dorothy stabbed me…I went and I fought and I won and I wish to Allah I let myself die. That was my intention, though I masked it well. But then it was over. It was over and Trowa called to me.

Trowa _called_ to me. And I came. When I woke at the hospital I was pleasantly greeted with Trowa's verdant green eyes. In those eyes did I read the vigil he kept over me. In his heart I could feel the devotion, and in answer my heart swelled with love. In a few short moments Trowa and I knew the face of our souls, and it was each others. Soon enough, the door opened to reveal others: Duo, Sally, Une, WuFei… WuFei, my husband. Your Father.

You see. Or perhaps you don't. Une had come in to request our service to the Preventers. She had already seen Heero in the room over. He too was healing. And he had rejected her offer. He would only guard Relena and what she stood for and Une needed competent, and more importantly, trustworthy agents. Once Une stated this, I looked to Duo to see how he felt about his lover guarding another body. Duo was far stronger than I was and will continue to be stronger than I am. You ought to ask him sometime about his life if he has yet to tell you.

Once she had delivered her piece, she and Sally left so that we may talk it over. I asked Duo how he could accept Heero's wish to protect Relena and I remember Duo saying, "Heero doesn't want to protect just Relena. He wants to protect the world, and the best way to do that is by protecting Relena and the peace she stands for. He's a hero and I'll be damned if I ain't proud to be his lover." To him I forced a wan smile. The hurt on Duo's face caused me to blame the smile on my physical hurts. But it was not that at all.

Duo had just admitted to being a better person than I. Duo had just admitted to being strong and selfless as I always knew him to be. He had accepted Heero completely with his love. Duo understood that Heero needed him. Needed Duo's strength and devotion and Duo was ready to give it without asking for much in return. Duo understood that should the need arise, Heero would leave him and fight and die for whatever cause called him. And strong Duo, wonderful Duo…didn't mind being number two. Heero belonged to the world before Heero belonged to him. I could never live with that. No one knew my need. No one knew the depth of my need nor the strength of it. No one but your father.

Duo had agreed to be a Preventer, but only as a mechanic/computer technician/consultant. He wouldn't do any field work unless there was a dire need. Duo's heart is bigger than the known universe and just as gold as Heero's. He would sacrifice everything to maintain the peace.

WuFei had also agreed. He felt that being a Preventer was the only way to make up for his betrayal. His need to exact justice from himself and from the world made him a strong man. I am proud to say that I have had the love, as well as loved someone so honourable. Yes, I did love your father…and no my love for Trowa never diminished.

Trowa too, agreed to join the Preventers. I am very fortunate you know. I have known some of the greatest men and women in the universe. And because I felt the need to be like them. I followed suit in a different way. I used all my power as the Winner heir to help rebuild what I had broken. I devoted the next 4 years of my life to the colonies and the peoples once more. It didn't come naturally. The consequences of doing the right thing weighed heavily upon me and I became cantankerous.

No one could place my anger. I could barely place it. I was dissatisfied. I was dissatisfied by doing what was right…this is what makes me unable to measure up to my comrades. They had…have the strength I don't seem to. I feigned it well for as long as I could, but it ate at me. It consumed and ravaged me till all I felt was frustration and anger. I would see Trowa, my beautiful love, and feel how he loved me, and feel his concern, and feel his confusion. He couldn't understand me. He couldn't understand how I was so selfish. Our fights started out small, then grew large, and quickly became frequent.

It was during our last argument that I came up with a most ridiculous conclusion. I threw in Trowa's face that he didn't really love me. How could he love someone he couldn't understand? Calmly, as calmly as he did most things, he asked me, "How can I know, Quatrito? You never tell me." He gracefully slid over and put his slender, loving fingers oh-so-gently against my cheek.

"I know you, kechara. I know you, though I may not always understand," he pulled me close and placed my hand upon his chest. I could feel his heart beat…I could feel what was in his heart and I cried. "You can feel my love for you. I know you can. So why do you doubt? Do not fight me because you fear your weaknesses. I can only be your strength if you allow me to. You have, after all, always been mine. Strength that is." And then Trowa smiled that smile of his. It was his gentle 'let's-not-fight' smile and I knew he was right. But I spent too much time pretending to be strong that I wouldn't look weak. I don't even remember what the fight was about…only the end.

I pushed him away. I told him he was an idiot. He only loved me because he thought I was something else and I pushed. I pushed and pushed till he was out the door and I told him not to come back. If I really loved Trowa more than myself I would have known that my actions would hurt Trowa too deeply. I wanted him to come begging back. If he did I would have proof of his love. This of course is not true. Trowa spent a lifetime being rejected…I should have been the one to prove my love. I should have known Trowa would not beg to return. Trowa loved me too much to go against any of my wishes.

Three weeks later, during his next mission, he disappeared and WuFei and you returned. You were only four and stayed with the Preventers while WuFei came and knocked some sense into me. WuFei called me out for being the selfish little pig I was, and I got violent with him. Being a politician is not being a Preventer. He had me with my face against the ground before I could pull back my fist. Even during the war I was not best at hand to hand combat. He told me that Trowa had confessed the reason for his disappearance and that I should be drawn and quartered.

I looked at Wufei with my tearful eyes and told him yes this was true. I am scum…and to my surprise. WuFei's face softened. In the one admission he saw me as I really was. The selfish brat I have always been and have always wanted to be. He saw my need. That night…in complete betrayal to Trowa…I gave up my virginity to WuFei. That's right I was a virgin. I was cruel to Trowa and spurned his advances for four whole years. I was afraid I would, in the throes of ecstasy, admit to being a coward and a fraud. Come morning WuFei confessed his love of Trowa to me and apologized. For what, I'm still not certain.

A few days later he brought you home to me and came to stay. He said that it was out of his love for Trowa. So that should Trowa return I would be whole and ready to love him as he deserved to be. He helped me quit being the Winner heir and helped me accept myself. And while doing so, he fell in love with me. And I, with him.

It took time…our love. It really did. It grew slowly. It grew so slowly in fact, that I can't place when the changes began to occur. You were the clincher though. In the early days he hated me and I hated myself. But you loved us unconditionally. When I asked why you loved me so much you told me it was because WuFei did, "Fei Daddy loves you Ra Ma. So I gots to love you too." I laughed and asked why you loved Fei Dad. He saved you and you were proud of him. You told me that he loved you completely but was a hero. He was a hero. He went to the Preventers everyday and risked his life on active duty. I realized I was in Duo's situation. A situation I never wanted to be in. But you also helped me realize that even though WuFei understood and loved me, he could never stop being his true self. The honourable justice driven hero. I made a mistake with Trowa and didn't want to do it with WuFei.

It was with WuFei's death did I remember why I didn't want to love him. Why I resented Duo. WuFei had died saving an infant on a bus. The accident was horrible. He could have saved himself. He did actually. He could have waited for someone else to get the caterwauling child. But that isn't WuFei. WuFei is a hero. With a kiss on my hand and an assertion of his love he left to be a hero. In that moment I hated him. He chose the baby over me. This is the true avarice in me. And I know that WuFei chose no such thing. He was a great…truly great man and I loved him no more and no less than Trowa. When WuFei died…all the good he had given me died with him. You were seven and you were smarter than anyone. You saw my deterioration. Once I saw the fright in your eyes I remembered what WuFei knew. I couldn't be strong for you on my own. Just like I couldn't be strong for Trowa on my own. If Trowa, WuFei, and I…if we had loved each other at the same time…I could have been complete. I could have been strong. If Trowa were there for me to lean on I could have…what does it matter?

Ultimately, I could not stand alone for you. I needed someone to stand for me. So I left you with the people who I knew were the greatest and the strongest. I left you with Heero and Duo. I told them I needed to find Trowa. I needed to find the Trowa and love him as WuFei loved him. And I needed Trowa to love me as WuFei loved me. I needed to find the good in me again. They of course, accepted you with love and open arms. And I'm sure they've given you the best of lives.

I was hoping to be back by now. Your 15th birthday. So that I could see you and kiss you and love you as you deserve. But I'm not. That's why you hold this letter. Duo, who never lies promised to give it to you if I am not here.

I do not know what this letter means to you Ishika. I'm not quite sure what it means to me, but I'm glad you have it. Though I am not a hero like your Fei Daddy, and Hee Tousan, and Duo Da, I need to tell you. I love you. I love you and will be back. I will be a hero and I will love you and Trowa without being a brat. This I promise you.

With all my love,

Ra Ma

Ishika sat up on her bed. She had shed no tears. She was better than tears. She was very aware that Hee-tou and Duo-da were waiting with baited breath to know about what she read. But she still loved Ra-ma. She respected his privacy…but she wasn't stupid either.

Heero and Duo held each other closely in fear. They feared Ishika's tears. They feared that Quatre said that he commit suicide. Quatre left without a trace…not even Heero could track him. They were afraid of lord knows what. What were they supposed to do. What would Ishika want.

"DUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOO-DAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" She launched herself out of her room and attacked her braided uncle, "Yanno how you asked me what I wanted for my Birthday and you said 'anything, name it my sweet.' Wells, I know what I want now. I want to talk to Ra-ma." She smirked at Heero and Duo's shocked expressions. Then she smiled gently as there faces gave way to relief.

"We'll try our best, honey." Heero said stoicly as he lifted his coffee to drink and Duo beamed.

**Yatta! Yatta!**

**I thought I'd never get that out and I got lost in the end but I swear to god if even one person reviews…good or bad I will update. I know I got a little lost in between there but I hope somebody enjoys it. It's trite and wyrd but what the hell!!! Please! I hope you enjoyed it.**

**--NawN ee**


	2. Where to Begin

**Authors Notes:  
To DragonCT**Yay!!! _You_ reviewed me. I read all of Boot Camp and I really enjoyed it. I think I reviewed you anonymously way back when you first started . I'm sorry I killed WuFei right away. That tweren't how it was s'posed to go. That's a lie. That's how it was supposed to go. Originally I was making this a one shot where Quat is writing a letter to Duo. In it you discover that Quat got together with WuFei because Wu quits the Preventers while Trowa joined. Trowa dies in a mission and Quatre "realizes" not being with someone doesn't make it hurt any less. WuFei goes back to Preventers and gets killed saving the ppls in the building. Quatre then apologizes for being morose and difficult for the last couple of years and then you find out he commit suicide. Then I came to my senses and realized I hate sad stories LoLs. Anyways, I'm glad your curious and I hope you keep reading and reviewing MUAH

**To DarkAnger:** Thanks you so much for the compliment. I was scared that I didnae do so good. IMO, anytime somebody sticks and original character in a fic, the story runs a risk of losing focus. I ain't a fan o' that either so I'll be careful not tae do it. Please inform me if I do. I'm also glad you like the setup, so I'll tell you straight up I can't take credit for it. In this old-ish Indian movie a mother writes a really long letter to her daughter Anjali. The movie is called Kuch Kuch Hota Hae & you can find it with English subtitles. You're also right about some stuff in the letter. I know Quatre is looking for absolution but I don't think any parent would talk about their sex life with their child…or rather, parents shouldn't. Anyways, without further ado, here is the next chapter!

**1x2, 3x4, past 5x4 and 5+3**

**Disclaimer:****  
I don't own Gundam Wing  
I don't own Emilio's  
I don't own the warning but please heed that too!!!**

**Warnings****  
ahem the following program may contain scenes of violence, coarse language and nudity intended for adult audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.**

Chapter 2

Where to Begin

"Anything yet?" Duo asked somberly.

"Hn"

"Heero" Duo said softly and began to rub Heero's shoulders. During the war this gentle approach would have been courting death–or at least a sound thrashing. But now, Heero leaned into the touch oh-so-slightly, welcoming the warmth of Duo's hands. During the war Duo couldn't interpret the various sounds and non-sounds Heero made. But now, Duo knew that this particular 'hn' meant 'maybe, but I don't want to get your hopes up'.

"Do you suppose that Quatre's letter might contain his coordinates?" Heero leaned against Duo's belly, relinquishing his puttering on the keyboard. Duo chortled and gently wrapped his arms Heero. These moments of Heero's silliness were becoming more and more often, and Duo cherished every single one of them. Even the question was rhetorical, Duo gave a responded.

"That letter was written eight years ago, lover. I'm pretty sure that Quat didn't know where he would be. What's up, love?" Duo let go of Heero and spun the chair around so that they could speak face to face. To the undiscerning eye, Heero's face still had the emotional variation of a rock, but to anyone close to Heero; his face spoke volumes.

"I've taken time off the Preventers…with Une's blessing."

"So we have a lead then. I'll call Ishk's school and tell them she won't be in for a while and–"

"It's–it's not a real solid lead. I couldn't find Quatre."

"Oh…so where're we headed 'Ro? You do know it's 'we' right? I thought we broke you of your martyr complex, but if we didn't I'll follow you anyways and Ishk is a smart girl and she'll–"

"Stop Duo. Yes, I know it's we. Just don't get disappointed."

"Where. Are. We. Going?"

"L3. "

"Oh?"

"I found a detective for the local officers named Triton Bloom."

"Hello tall, dark and handsome? What say you and I grab dinner together?" Laughing brown eyes asked verdant green ones. Triton Bloom, or rather, Trowa Barton looked at his boyfriend and current detective partner. He was always careful to make the distinction that the deceivingly handsome young gentlemen beseeching him was his boyfriend and not lover. A rather large part of him realized that this was because he found the term 'lover' far more personal and he only thought of one person as his lover. Unfortunately, that was neither her nor there Sunny waited for his positive response.

When Trowa made himself a new life on L3 he had the fortuitous–or is it the opposite?–coincidence of walking into a gang fight. As a result of his soldier cum gundam pilot training, he had a hand in apprehending both the violent parties. He was then invited to join the local task force. After some contemplation, and the realization that he truly had nothing better to do, he set forth forging a new/old identity and became a detective. To make the new life more believable, he even went through the whole arduous task of training in a police academy. He even faked having difficulty on some occasions, which was more difficult than it used to be. The master espionage infiltrator of the gundam boys (boys no longer) was losing his touch.

In any case, the Police Academy came along with Sunny. There was something charming about the young Korean man. Well, he looked young, but that's what it's like with Asians. In actuality, Yeong HyunSun was just a year younger than himself. Perhaps it was the aura and the ever present optimism. Trowa had agreed to see Sunny casually for he thought that something about Sunny reminded him of Quatre. What he soon came to realize, though, was that Sunny was sorely lacking.

Upon his graduation from the police academy, Sunny had asked for Trowa as a partner. Sunny was granted this with a snort of derision, but was granted it none the less. This seemed awfully unprofessional to Trowa, but he ignored it thinking, 'If it were Quatre just joining the Preventers, I'd want him as my partner. And, why not? On the occasional missions that Duo & Heero were together, it worked out fine for them.' Later, he found that Sunny, while earnest and hard-working, was not quite as intelligent as Quatre. As a matter of fact, Sunny wasn't quite as intelligent as anyone. What he did have, in abundance, was sheer dumb luck. He had so much of it that in fact, it could be called a skill.

Sunny turned out to be so much not like Quatre, that Trowa found himself thinking of Quatre every second of everyday. Not that he wasn't before, it was just that…it was just nothing. He stuck with Sunny because Sunny kept his memories of Quatre fresh and alive. It was a truly horrible reason for staying with somebody, but their casual relationship never really seemed to bother Sunny, and Quatre…

Quatre was a whole other kettle of fish.

"Of course, we'll go to Emilio's as soon as I finish this report."

"I'm counting on it, doll face." And with a peck on the cheek, off Sunny went to collect their assorted things so that they could swiftly leave.

Trowa diligently proceeded to work through the report, but there was something in the back of his mind, in the back of his very being that said today would be an 'important' day. That little niggle of something – call it premonition, if you will – distracted Trowa so much that he eventually gave up on the report entirely. Saving the file, he went of in search of Sunny and his car keys. Sunny was rather frustrating like that…taking all of Trowa's things.

Emilio's, Sunny's favourite restaurant, was as darling as ever in all its funky glory. Trowa too usually enjoyed the ambience of Emilio's, but was now rather distracted. That earlier niggle of premonition Trowa had felt, was now a full blown sense of paranoia.

As Trowa was leaving the station, with Sunny hanging off his arm, he noticed a rather familiar looking silver vehicle. It was familiar but not quite so. It was innocuous enough just sitting there, parked outside the police station. It was only when Trowa realized that the silver car surreptitiously followed him to the restaurant that car became suspicious. Then, what made it especially suspicious was that the car had tinted windows and just parked outside the restaurant, in plain sight. No one exited the car to come in. It was just waiting there for the last thirty minutes of eating and Sunny talking.

The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end, when finally the back door opened to reveal a rather portly young lady. Other than this young lady's weight, she was rather non-descript, and even the weightiness could be an asset in espionage. Her face was ageless, her nationality was of a mix of something…anything really, her hair was neither too short nor too long and just a simple shade of brown. People would look at her and think 'pushover.' Of course, first impressions can always be deceiving.

Once she stepped out of the car, her strides ate up the earth. Even though her posture was lacking, she walked as though she were important. His opinion of her changed even more when she walked into the restaurant and pleasantly greeted the host. Suddenly she was standing with her back straight and chin parallel to the floor. She had a certain soft politeness as well as an aloof quality about her. She spoke volumes to him without a word.

I didn't really surprise him when her powerful steps led to his table, nor did it surprise him that she smiled sweetly and politely to be noticed by the onward chattering Sunny.

"Excuse me, Mr. Bloom. Could I please have a word with you?" The girl asked polite but firm. Her voice was calming but also forgettable. Trowa began to worry.

"Who is she? You been having love children without me doll?" Sunny said in his usual bright manner, "You can speak in front of me sweetie. Big old Triton won't really mind." Sunny then added with ice the size Antarctica. Trowa decided nodding in acquiescence was the best course of action.

"Very well, Mr. Bloom. Eleven years ago, you and your partner rescued me. It was your mission. You left promptly after." The young lady gave a meaningful look with her bland brown eyes.

"I don't remember that. It must be another Mr. Bloom, Tro-iton and I didn't even know each other back then let alone be partners." Sunny interjected and was about to continue but Trowa silenced him with a raised hand.

"Thank you for saving me, but I need your help again. Please, I need you to help me find my mother."

"Is Wufei in the car?" Trowa asked somberly after a moment of silence.

"No."

"If you found him, I'm certain he'd be obliged to help. He would also have more resources than myself. I'm sorry but I respectfully decline."

"He can't help me. My father's dead and – "

"Why can't he help you did he say as such?"

"My father is dead and this pertains directly to you since – "

"I'm sorry your father is dead, but WuFei Chang can help you find your mother."

"No, sir, he can't. My name is Change Ishika. My father, Chang WuFei is dead. And my mother went to find you after his death."

Trowa sat as still as stone. He never knew…when was this. he stared without seeing the young lady in front of him…and then it occurred to him. He just had to know.

"Who was your mother?"

"My mother is Quatre Raberba Winner." She…Ishika said looking at Trowa as though she could see into his soul. Trowa was stunned into silence. A million thoughts ran through his head: _When? How? Why? Why?Why?_

"Mr. Bloom, I think we should take a walk. Preferably, without your current partner." Ishika said pointedly, breaking into Trowa's barrage of thoughts. Silently, and without conscious thought, Trowa stood to leave. Ishika smiled up at Trowa as they left, so involved with each other that neither of them noticed that Sunny silently seethed and stayed behind. Neither of them noticed how this silence was out of character for Sunny. And most importantly, neither of them noticed that Sunny's demeanour changed as he whispered, "Fuck."

----------------------------------------

WOOHOO. Finally pumped this out. I wanted to put more in here but really don't have the time. But I will still be updating. I hope you enjoyed the chapter guys and I look forward to your reviews!

P.S. Emilio's is property of Jennifer Cruisie from her wonderful novel 'Bet me'

--NawNee


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Notes:  
****I get sort of lost as to where I was going midway through the chapter but please read it. There's a death mentioned in passing but er…yes. It is Duo and Quatre-centric…though they aren't a couple. But enjoy yo.**

**1x2, 3x4, past 5x4 and 5x3**

**Disclaimer:****  
I don't own Gundam Wing  
I don't own the song 'I cried for you'  
I don't own the warning but please heed that too!!!**

**Warnings****  
ahem the following program may contain scenes of violence, coarse language and nudity intended for adult audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.**

* * *

I was dreaming. Only in my dreams could I be so terribly happy...and yet so terribly sad. I was dreaming of a room that was entirely surrounded by the night sky, and a boy. It was a familiar room with an even more familiar boy. 

The boy stared out the glass walls at the multitude of stars. His lithe body was reflected on the surface of the glass, yet it was not his reflection at all. The reflection was another boy...beautiful in a dark and austere way. But, that was the way of dreams. Everything made all too much sense and yet none at all.

_You're beautiful so silently  
It lies beneath a shade of blue_

There was a noise in the silence and the boy turned to look at me. The noise was me, and yet not me. And the boy's reflection was gone...replaced with his real reflection, I suppose. He walked towards me and spoke in a hushed tone, and I simply smiled. My hand, though I don't recall ever seeing my hand, gently caresses his face. He has olive skin and turbulent green eyes. I can see the reflection of my eyes, though I don't recall ever seeing my eyes, and they are blue. I can see him...but I can also see me.

_It struck me so violently  
When I looked at you_

I embraced him and there was so much longing. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I could feel his scent enveloping me. It was something smokey and dangerous and protective. When I opened my eyes I was no longer holding him. Instead I saw him, his hands up in the air. His turbulent eyes were as decieving as the sea. They were calm, but I knew the desperation that lay beneath. He stepped through as strange door, hands up in the air...mimicing actions I had already taken.

He turns around to walk back through the door and I make more noise to stop him. It became different. He was on the ground and walking away with a bag. I make more noise and he turns and looks at me. He sees me. He speaks to me and leaves. I looked up then and saw another man. Big, with a beard, and dissaproving. I turned back to where the boy was, but he was gone and there was a sadness so deep...but not consuming at all. I knew I would see him again. I turned towards the big man.

_But others pass, they never pause,  
To feel that magic in your hand_

Instead I saw the boy's reflection. The first reflection of the dark austere one. His handsome visage glared at me...but it was not a glare at all. There was something else behind his look: warning. Then I realized, he was not looking at me at all. I turned around and saw my boy. The gentle sad one. He was making music. He held a silver pipe to his lips as his graceful hands moved over buttons. I felt the need to move. I needed to shift and sway to the sounds and I turned to look at the other boy. The dark one seemed unmoved and older.

Now he was glaring. Now there was anger. Then something more. I closed my eyes to move away from this man. He was dangerous and angry. I opened my eyes wishing to find the first boy. The one who was gentle and sad. The one who made such soothing motions. Instead I saw a young girl. Her face was blank but there was a tanned hand rubbing her head. The hand was thick. It belonged to the dark one.

_To me you're like a wild rose  
They never understand why_

I raised my eyes from his hand to his shoulder and then to his face. Something caught in my throat. There was sadness and anger and devastation. But it began to change. I watched his eyes...pitch as night and deeper than space. They aged, and aged, and grew gentle. The sadness, the anger, all of it fell away as his eyes aged. I could feel my chest warming and I touched his face.

Behind him there came more men...men I knew with all my heart, and again there was the girl. Only she was older and she was smiling. I knew her with all my being...in entirety. I looked closer at the men she was with and saw the confusion in their eyes. I could see their curiousity and confusion as I now warmed to the dark one. I could not myself explain it...nor did I know how I knew what the others thought...but the dark one was beautiful too. He hurt too. I looked back at the girl now in glasses and looking at me with hurt and devastation. I was afraid.

I looked down at my own hand and I see my love. My dark love. He was red. Bloody. He was dead.

_I cried for you  
When the sky cried for you  
And when you went I became a hopeless drifter_

I held my love's head. In his arms he held a new born babe. A life for a life. No. It was a life for two lives. I clutched my love's bloody body in my arms, closed my eyes, and wept. The body I held began to shudder and there was a hiccoughing sound. I was holding onto the young lady with the glasses. She wept with me, my daughter...though I do not remember. I let go of the girl and turned away and saw my dark love and my older, gentle love.

I turned back towards my daughter where she was ensconced in the loving arms of the men I saw earlier. I pushed forwards to my older love. I no longer looked behind me...there was only forward.

There were flying crafts and cool days and lonely streets. There was a window that I walked towards. There was my old love. He was calm...neither happy nor unhappy. I wished to go towards him.

But this life was not for you, Though I learned from you, That beauty need only be a whisper

I made a move towards a door when I saw another boy kiss my old love. This was his knew life...away from mine. I had already made a life with my dark lover...and I loved my dark lover well. I do not know whether I did...but I felt all the love I had for my dark lover in my heart. I lost both loves yet I kept them both. It had hurt to keep it there...but it also warmed me.

I could not steal away my gentle love's knew life...I whispered noise and turned away and fell into pitch.

I was dreaming. Only in my dreams could I be so terribly happy...and yet so terribly sad.

* * *

**I've had this chappy on my computer for a while now. I can't seem to finish it so I'm posting the first half of what I have. I hope you enjoy it!**


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